I don’t understand what is in my own head, I don’t understand why people do what they do, I don’t understand why people say they are going to do one thing and then do another.
I just don’t understand.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one that needs to do more meditation and more soul searching and more reading and more writing, but I think I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of always being the one to “dig deep.”
I’m tired of always being the one that puts in a hundred and twenty because everyone else doesn’t cut it.
I’m exhausted with being the one that is always on time and always has to wait. The one that really goes home when they say they’re going home. The middle person. The one that always listens. The one that for some reason actually gives a shit even though that is most of the time not returned. I don’t understand.
I’m always the one who is falling apart, I feel like. I never know what to do about this.
Crying in bathrooms and carrying makeup with you so that you can fix it should you smear it with crying it ridiculous and getting old.
I really want consistency in a positive way. Not consistently rude, selfish, ignorant people.
I want the reap what I’ve been sewing already. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes this just feels like a dead end.
But who am I supposed to bother with these thoughts?
Certainly not anyone who happens to have even the slightest thing going on. Which would be everyone.
News flash:
We’re all going through some great battle. I hear about yours all the fucking time and you complain and complain and complain and complain about NOTHING. Boohoo, you hate this and you hate that.
Shut up and listen to me for a minute.
Seems like if I do just decide to plow through someone else’s day and just talk about me, they get offended at the thought of us not discussing their terrible lives.
I have feelings too.
I have needs too.
I find things out, I’m not stupid.
I feel like… everything ends at some point. It could be great, but it’ll just end anyway.
I’m losing hope and don’t know who I should dare bother with this anymore.
I’d hate to hassle a loved one.
Fuck it.
-Me
