pretty good about life at the moment.
Although, I get terribly nervous when saying things like that as if I might somehow hold the power to jinx myself.
Some things have been bothering me as usual, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.
I just don’t understand some things. It’s very confusing how things seem to get fixed and then when they start looking up, they just fall back to little pieces like they were never fixed to begin with. I suppose I should be thankful for what I have, however. An amazing mom, she understands anything and everything I am going through or have been through. There aren’t many things I keep from her, and the things I do keep are more for just personal reasons rather than fear that she will get mad. I keep telling myself that some things should be private although I tend to hate that.
I have a great brother. Who is also super understanding and a blast to hang out with. I wish he hung out more. His work schedule is silly however and that keeps us from kicking it more often. Still though, if I knew we were going to hang out, I would stay up till he got off of work more times than not.
Then theres my boyfriend. Also amazing. Sometimes it’s hard for me to wrap my head around how blessed I am in the friend/family/boyfriend department. He is so great. There aren’t very many things he does wrong, and if he somehow does, he always makes them right. I try not to be retarded and bitter from dating an asshole for so long because I know that the current boyfriend, and man I am going to marry are the furthest thing from the asshole I wasted a year with. I feel bad whenever I get overly protective about stuff and get all momish on him. I never mean to. I just can’t help it. I’m so protective. I have so much invested in him that I just can’t bear the thought of something ruining that. He is far too good of a catch to let go. So, I’m keeping this one.
I’m pretty happy with the way things have been going lately. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone a little bit with a few things and am honestly proud of myself.
Also, I have finally gotten to the point where I just don’t give a rat’s ass about people that suck anymore. It’s the best feeling. I just… dont… care.
I can’t explain it, but it’s a fucking relief, I can tell you that.
Then… on to the touchier subjects… Maybe I’ll feel better when I get this out. It’s not as if anyone reads this anyway, so I guess I’m in the clear.
I’m beginning to become increasingly worried that there is for some reason no way I can fully repair the relationship with my dad. I seriously don’t know what else to do. I txt him atleast monthly to ask how he’s doing or tell him I thought of him or ask when he’ll be in town. He txts me back, which always excites me and makes me delightfully happy and feel all warm inside. But he never makes plans, even when I ask him to. I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I thought I nailed the meet and greet with WifeFace. But, apparently not. Although, she was the one that wouldn’t stop talking over my dad or discussing politics. Two things my dad hates doing at the dinner table, but was totally fine with her doing. I’m gonna be honest, it also really pissed me off that she interrupted me to correct me on a “fact” that I was unaware of. Probably because it wasn’t a “fact” in the first place. She wanted to tell me that gymnasts were PRONE to eating disorders. Is she serious with that? She’s got to be kidding me. It was so rude and my dad didn’t do anything to defuse the situation. I was baffled. However… at the end of the weird and somewhat uncomfortable meal she hugged me and told me I needed to come to chattanooga to visit and that I should bring my boyfriend.
I would love to do this. And have told my dad about a thousand times that I would love to do this. It never happens. I have no idea why. WHAT am I doing wrong here, honestly? I kissed ass to WifeFace when I didn’t even want to meet her, I somehow forgave him for telling me on Christmas Eve that he was getting married on the 10th. I also forgave him for not telling me he had moved. Who doesn’t tell their kid they’re moving away? I forgave. I just accepted what was happening around me like always and got on with it. Why can’t he just invite me for the weekend? Just one weekend. That’s it. I just want to be a part of his life.
I want this to stop being a constant stress in my life.
But, I don’t want to just give up on it and let it go. I don’t want to have to awkwardly be walked down the isle by someone I barely know by then when I get married. I just want him to be as excited about my life when he’s away as he is when he actually makes dinner plans with me. That’s all I’m asking for. Just shoot me a note asking how MY day went or how the person I’M in love with is. Just be involved. I don’t know how else to put it to him… I’ve tried email, phone calls, meeting up in person, txt messages. Everything.
I feel bad for not getting him a chrismas present.
I didn’t even know what to get. He didn’t call. It killed me. He never calls on special days, and I never know why.
I really miss him. I’m afraid that every time I see him he will look older and older and then just one day not be there. I’m terrified of this. I’m so terrified of only knowing my dad well enough to sit down and have dinner once every five months up until he’s gone.
I want to be a daddy’s girl.
But even more than that,
I want him to want me back.
The End.
