Where everything seems possible… and nothing is what it seems.

And by, “Nothing is what it seems.” I mean, “I then you realize you’re a big fat failure at life.”

All my life I’ve wanted to own a venue. “You should do that!” “Go for it!” “Great idea!” “You’ll be so good at that!” ….
And then suddenly.. OhNoNo, that won’t work.

I didn’t go to public highschool. Therefor, I am not smart.
I don’t understand why no one gets this. I am not book smart. I’m just not.
I am well spoken compared to most people here. That is it.
I cannot go to college. It’s not a matter of if I want to or not, its that I literally, am NOT SMART ENOUGH.

So, thats out.
And apparently, I’m just a royal fuck up that can’t get anything right.
Ya know, no big.

My dad was right.
MY FUCKING DAD WAS RIGHT.

I shouldn’t have ever had dreams, I shouldn’t have ever been told to follow them, I shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have.
I feel so stupid.

I should’ve just gone to public school. Graduated highschool. Gotten into college.
Gotten a normal fucking 9-5 job.

I’m not even good enough to get that.

I am fucking worthless.

Where did the time go?

I’ve wanted to be a grown up all this time… and now that it’s here, all I want to do is be four again.
When I could play dress up and play with my mom and color all day if I wanted.

I feel like I’m being forced into this day in-day out adulthood that I never wanted.
The thought of getting a job I don’t love makes my stomach turn.
I try to stay positive and I try to stay upbeat, if nothing else, for everyone else.

But, honestly…
This terrifies me. I do not want this.
I do not want a 9-5. I do not want dress clothes. I do not want coworkers and bosses and bullshit.

I’m not smart enough to go to college. I don’t have even the first idea as to how to jump into this and land on my own two feet.
I feel like giving up.

I want so many things.
I want someone to have a 6th sense about ME.
I want someone to call ME to see if I’m having a good day.
I want my heart to stop hurting.
I want this winter to be different.
I want to own a venue. A successful venue.

I want someone to understand.
I want someone to notice when my heart is hurting.
And if they notice, I want them to care. Not scold me for letting it show.

I want different. Just different.
I want to be doing it right.
I’m tired of these damn bumps in the road.

I’m tired of being up at night, with a sick feeling in my stomach because I’m worried about someone. And an even bigger stomachache knowing that they aren’t thinking about me.

Will this ever stop?

I try to make it but it never seems to stick.
No matter how many times I fight worries and ignore anxiety and push away nightmares.
It comes back.

It just keeps coming back.

I medititate and I journal and I workout.

Nothing.

I still end up caring more about others than they do about me.
I still end up never being the one that gets called “just because.”
I still come up short.

I am terrified.

I should never…

I should never read other people’s blogs or anything of that nature.

I should never let myself slip into this big hole of writing depressing blog entries that make everyone worried and considering putting me on suicide watch.

But I do. And you do.
We all do.

I feel like everyone has a person they are in real life and a person they are online.
But online is becoming real life.

I don’t know which of the two of every person I should believe.
Happy on the outside…but miserable on the inside.

Maybe it’s because people feel as if they have no one to talk to, much like I am writing this blog right now.
But I know that I have people to talk to. I just don’t want to burden them with every little thought I have.

I feel as if I have become annoying to most, and something people would rather ignore than take part in.
I only feel this way some days and I try not to let it get to me.

I wish that I could help.
Others, more than myself. I wish I could lift the sad hearts up and show them how beautiful the world is.
But what can I do when inside everyone… is a little bit of longing for the feeling of being miserable. Whether we want to admit it or not. Being miserable, being depressed, being broken… at least it’s something to do. It gives us something to talk about. Why just be happy? Why just have monotony and ridiculously repetitive routines day after day after day? Why not be drowning in a disgusting abyss on an almost constant basis so we can “fully appreciate the good times”? Why?

Because it’s stupid. It’s easy. It’s weak.

We need to lift up our own hearts, pick ourselves up.
We need to deal.

So you have a beautiful life. A car, a roof over your head, a family, you even have extended family that friends have turned into over long talks in the car at night, and heart to hearts.
You have all of this.

But you turn it away. And you banish it from your day-to-day thoughts. You replace it.
You replace it with hate and frustration and forget all of the beauty that you see everyday just by waking up because you give in to that longing, that want, that need for misery.

Grow up.
Get over it. Let the good times roll.
Be yourself.

Who cares if you don’t know who you are anymore? You know. You know, deep down… You know.
Don’t think about it. Don’t try.
If you’re trying, you’re faking.

This is a note to myself, mostly.
I need to do all of these things.
I wish I could help people do them.

Maybe..

Maybe I will try leading by example.

Love,

Hadasse

WhoaWhoaWhoa:

Heidi fucking Montag has a spread in Playboy and I don’t yet!?
Explain to me what is happening with the World.
She completely does the typical “I’m respectable.” copout too, and doesn’t flash any nip. The whole basis of that magazine is a tits, don’t act like you’re above it, please. And just because you’re one of those girls who “doesn’t show” doesn’t mean we respect you any more than the others.

In other news:

Three things I plan on doing soon.

1. Take up Painting.  (check)

2. Start P90x with my FutureHubby.

3. Naked photoshoot. I might as well do this while I’m still hot. Couldn’t hurt, right?

Love,

Hadasse

Dear Whoever,

I want to keep this feeling forever.
I feel beautiful and happy and weightless. Just simply weightless. It’s wonderful.
I feel full now, no longer hollow and searching for something that would fill up this now nonexistent void.
I can feel “God” in the wind and fresh air and the smell of the trees and warm summer nights.
My heart only beats quickly for good reasons, no longer from fear and anxiety.
I am never cold, I am never shaky. I am always warm and calm now.
I am terrified to jinx this. But I’m not even sure I believe in jinxes anymore.

How could someone else make me feel this different? This right?
I wish I could guide everyone to this feeling. It is truly one of the most beautiful things I have ever been a part of.
I laugh now. I smile more than I ever have. I feel safe. Finally.

I feel certain.
I feel blessed.

This is going so right, its terrifying.
Terrifying like a rollercoaster. You can’t stop smiling, you never want it to end because you fear you’ll never have as much fun as this ever again.

Usually I have fun knowing that at some point… The fun will stop.
And everything will go back to being “normal”…Being empty.
But this time… This time I don’t have that fear. This really feels like a never ending day at an amusement park.

I am always searching for better words and analogies to explain this incredibly different and amazing feeling.
And I’m always coming up short.
There’s no way to explain this. It just is.

It’s everything I was told it would be. It’s everything I’ve hoped for and dreamed of.
It’s what I’ve always knew would come my way.

I wish I could share this feeling with everyone I know.
I hope that everyone gets to experience this at some point in their lifetime.

Dear Sapphire Eyes,
Thank you.

Love,
Hadasse

The sky is the limit.

I used to say that I just wanted to change someones life.
I take that back.

I want to change lives.

I want to show people that it’s mind over matter.
That it’s the little things that can make everything alright.
I want to teach young girls that they can be brave and who they are.
I want to help people understand that if you go for what you want, you can never really fail. Because at least you tried.
I want guys to understand that there are girls out there that won’t break your heart. There are girls out there that love little things that don’t cost ridiculous amounts of money. There are girls out there that are worth your time. Don’t give up.
I want to teach girls to have confidence. Take some of the pressure off of the guys. Ask them out! Kiss them if you want a kiss. Confidence is the sexiest thing in the world. Fake it until you have it. You will only come off stupid if you half-ass it. Commit to it.
Act like you are God’s gift to the world and the story you’re telling is the most interesting thing in the world. Guys will flock to you. I promise.
I want people to love and cherish the people that care about them.
I want to show people what their hearts are capable of by showing them the kind of love my heart is capable of.
I want letters. I want so many letters. From kids and people in general, telling me that I helped them through something. That I gave them hope, that I provided a safe place for their head and heart to rest.

My life has been a roller-coaster. Sometimes it even feels like the car has derailed.
I want to help others get back on track.

Ten Things I Think Everyone Should Master:

1. How to give a really good hug. Sometimes, all you need, or all someone else might need, is a really genuine hug. Put your heart into it.

2.  Walking without looking at your phone or at your feet. Walk with your chin up. Look at the world around you. It’s liberating.

3. How to laugh things off. I remember a specific time that I was walking in somewhere and I tripped over the waterhose they had laying on the pavement. I was completely aware that someone was sitting on the bench about 20ft away from me. So, I turned back around, laughed and said, “Did you see that!? That hose just reached up and grabbed my ankle!” We both laughed. It happens to everyone. Don’t sweat it.

4. How to approach people. Confidence is everything. If they don’t like you, so what?! You never have to talk to them again, they suck.

5. To know when to hold your tongue.

6. Learn how to live on 80cents of the dollar.

7. Being open-minded. It’s possible to have firm beliefs in something and still understand the other side.

8. Not lowering yourself to other people’s levels. Take the high road. Living well is the best revenge.

9. Sending you Thank You cards.

10. Be the person you want to be. If you want to be outgoing, be outgoing. The only thing holding you back is you. Mind over matter.

Love,
Hadasse